Logline: A generous man has came across a conflict between his generosity and morals. His brother has been stealing from his family and is stricken quizzically on how to react. Mortgage is around the corner and he must make a decision.
Jeff has just concluded a meeting with his club on how much they have raised for their tsunami foundation. As he packs up he kindly assists the others with questions they have, in a very polite manner. As he leaves he receives a call from his dad, who asks " I left 10 for you and Jole for dinner on the table" and Jeff says "okay thank you, i'll talk to you later, okay bye".
Jeff gets home and searches on the table under books for the money (a dirty tint in background to enhance poverty), but he can't find it. His father walks in the door (pan) and places his hat on another table. While he asks about dinner, he takes out a bunch of napkins from his work out of a plastic bag and sets them on an old microwave. The father asks him "what did you get for dinner".
Jeff says "well i didn't get dinner . . "
"Well why not?"
"Well, Jo --" Jole walks by staring at Jeff with a scared leer. "I'll just eat leftovers"
Jeff is working on his laptop trying to finish his homework. His brother walks in very warily. He closes the door very gently he rushes to the bed and tries to convince Jeff not to tell their dad where the money has been going. Jeff informs Jole that he is putting this family in danger and that money is tight. His brother leaves on that note, stating at last "Thank you", and Jeff uncomfortably nods his head.
A week later, the door bell rings, and Jeff answers the door. A man is dressed in a suit asking for his father, so Jeff retrieves him. Jeff eavesdrops on the conversation and discovers that unless he pays his debts, they will be asked to leave and find a new home. Jeff looks at his brother, who is hesitant to make eye contact with him. His father walks back into the house after he shuts the door and questions where all his money has gone. Not a word is spoken.
The audience enters the mind of Jeff, as he becomes a narrator. He contemplates on what the right thing to do is. He struggles to make a decision, but looks to (A symbol) to help guide him.
two days have past and the father comes home and slams the door shut yelling. Father rages and asks questions of where his money has gone. Jeff asks "where is your work uniform". His father rambles through stacks of books and papers, throwing everything out of his way rambling to get the money. Jeff trembles in fear, and under pressure, he cracks and reveals that his brother has been taking it. His father turns his anger onto Jole, and all Jole can do is submit and return the movie.
Days past, and father solemnly gets up from a chair after paying the bills. Camera dolly into the room in which Jeff is crying as he holds a newspaper. Jole was caught in a shooting as a result of not paying for what he had borrowed.
* ending may need serious revision, but this is a basic framework for what i am trying to get through to the audience.
Your treatment was okay. Time isn't really a big factor in the story, but I can see how you tried to incorporate time within the story. The treatment is probably just a basic idea of what you want the story to go, and the plot, and maybe you will show the importance of time in the actual film is you decide to shoot it.
ReplyDeleteYour treatment was very good. I feel it won't catch that much of an emotional effect, but you do have character development which will contribute a lot to the film as a whole. I feel like It is a goo story overall, but You could have added types of camera shots so I can get a better picture. But good story overall. You can probably improve on how the son is able to take take money from his father.
ReplyDeleteInteresting story about how a man acts under pressure. I do see you trying to incorporate significant objects that play a huge role in the story, but time is not a factor in your film. I think you should develop Jole's character a little more so we understand his intentions for stealing money. Also, I like the ending because its unsuspecting and tragic, which is uniquely different than typical endings.
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